Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 1

I'm in the process of investigating grief.   Prior to my love's departure from this life I believed I had come far with my personal growth and spiritual journey. Along the way I have encountered a number of "dark nights of the soul", surviving these experiences has fueled the desire to keep my head above water now at this the darkest night so far! I want to test if the former lessons hold true for this period and what adjustments can be made.

Up until a few weeks ago and all through the painful experience of finding out the dreadful news that my love had only weeks to live and subsequently witnessing his decline in the most harrowing manner I stayed amazingly strong! I put this down to just two things I prayed for 'strength & wisdom', strength to see me through and wisdom to know how to deal with the days and what to do. I feel I had both, although each day was a challenge my spirit didn't dip that low to bowl me over. I knew I had to keep going for him, myself and family.

This sense of 'keeping it together' carried on for a while after the funeral, I was constantly reminded of this by family and friends who said how amazingly strong I was. These days I have to admit I feel challenged somewhat coping with my grief along with facing problems associated with being single on reduced finances and dealing with the practicalities of living alone in a property needing high physical and financial maintenance, my husband was like a park-keeper and I have been feeling rightly or wrongly the need to fill that role for him...

So I have decided to document my grieving course in the form of an on-line diary here in this space for these reasons to ~

• allow myself a place where I can empty out my sometimes random thoughts onto the page, not only will this be therapeutic but also help me make some-kind of sense to it all.

• hold a record of this story for myself that I may know where I have come from and where I am in the present moment and where this is leading, kind of charting my course. 

• come up with conclusions that work for me and that might be useful for others who find themselves in similar situations.

In theory I would like to post daily but in reality the entries will be random for I do not want to put any pressure on myself at this time knowing I must be 'kind and gentle with myself' in my vulnerability. I intend to keep my love of photography alive through this period as I already know this is 'medicine' for me, I will be posting images as usual but trying to explain more on how this practice really does help!

Image ~ I have always loved abstract art, the above and opposite images fit that category. The original was a macro photo I had taken of a candle holder in bright sunlight. Using some of the edits from Google Picasa I transformed the image into a piece of art.  I think this works well as an abstract because of the strong graphic elements in the original adding interest to the abstract. Metaphorically speaking it fits in with how I am feeling too! The dark horizontal lines at the bottom resemble a dusty road strewn along a rocky landscape with a mountainous backdrop, where I feel I am presently! But, with hope hovering above as depicted by the coloured graphic wings! You can always interpret your abstract art and see something intuitive and meaningful for yourself, this is therapy, a good way to spend time when your life is asking all kinds of questions!