finding-my-bliss

Sunday ~ I could hear the drum beats once again from over the field in my back garden.  I got the same nostalgic feel haunting me that I'd gotten previously.   This time more so with the passing of my love.  The passing of time shot through my consciousness like an arrow speeding in one fell swoop to it's target, all happening in one day, maybe it did! Tuesday ~ They are packing away now, though I can occasionally hear the drums, and as usual I feel regret not having taken hold of those sticks in the circle, or the true spirit of Stainsby Festival come to that! Every year it seems like alternative nomads are transported to my village to play out a magical scene among our summer fields, they come to tempt me with some other kind of freedom, then before I can get my bearings as the wind blows through dandelion seed-heads it all drifts off away into the ether for one more orbit around the sun. I'm still a babe on the grief path, totally inexperienced and untaug...

So now I'm further along the 'continuum' ~ sequence of elemental change, what next? I have been taking my time along the grief path and in so doing have been wondering if there might be some advantage in relating my experience? Is this a possible worthwhile endeavor? Telling my story of grief as it unfolds for the mutual benefit of myself and others?  For writing has become an integral part of my creative life and I have realized it's importance particularly at this time as the days can seem long and without purpose, or at least not being able to share that purpose with 'my love' after his parting. I have been plunged into a new landscape of confusion, not knowing which direction to turn, this is new territory for me, I will be telling my story on the hoof! I've been visiting a couple of support websites not having experienced this type of intense grief before in my life and yes support is what I need!  I have lots of care from family, frie...

A Continuum ~> continual sequence of ~> elemental change ~> By far this is the most difficult post written by myself, ever. I have not visited this place for sometime... I have been 'lying low' as an old friend used to put it, not low through depression or anything like that but since my love passed away parts of my known world have passed too. I have difficulty recognizing the landscape around me, I'm lying low so that I can absorb some of the new terrain. I am still quite dizzy, it's going to take some time... Much of what I wrote about here in this space would involve a brief glimpse of 'my love' and our life together. I had thought of closing 'Finding my Bliss', for a pivotal part of everything this blog has stood for seemed on the surface of things to be missing! But as the days have come and gone I am beginning to look at things in a different light and although I am grieving for my love I find I am l feeling his prese...

As humans we want to put rhyme and reason into our experience of existence for we are made thinking and feeling beings, and to think there is no reason, well this is absurd and unreasonable... But when pain enters the scenario and particularly your own dear one's excruciating pain that will not go away day after day week after week then all  wise words of connection to the Divine are challenged, you are left with an emptiness, confusion and overwhelm... You may find yourself despising your words of wisdom, even the words of poets and mystics which once soothed now may take on a hollow tone. I keep clutching at my thoughts in desperation for the reason, they tell me it is all part of the universal unfolding, for lesson learning, my edification.  I tell you I haven't got it yet! And, I must carry on along the path for I have no choice... But still I cannot deny the 'awesome' in everyday, the million facets of beauty sparkling out from all di...

Today I wanted to say something profound to catch your attention, but on second thoughts decided that better be left to the mystics, poets and sages, for words worthy of their weight and restorative to the soul do not come easy... Instead, I will tell you what 'my love' said as he lay in the hospital bed... He said "don't worry about me". You don't know how precious those few words were, are... Today like most of the other days in hospital he has been either writhing in pain or medicated into slumber. Yesterday he was hallucinating most of the day and I imagined I would never be able to speak with him in a meaningful way again. The day before he managed an embrace but no words... But today he opened his eyes for just one minute, just long enough to say "don't worry about me", the tears flowed... That's 'my love' selfless to the end, my big, brave, strong, unsung hero... My greatest teacher. He embodies naturally ...

I'm sat at the ~ edge of a rainbow, if you look closely you can just make out the colours in the left corner above... I'm seeing kind hearts everywhere... hugs to you all...