Finding my Bliss

Saturday, 15 November 2014

I'm stirring...


I spoke about the excitement and exhilaration I'd experienced as an 'art student'
I haven't had this feeling in a long time but something is happening right now
I don't know what it is but the clues are there!
I'm feeling a little skittish even,
like the synapses in my brain are making new connections,
or at least re-establishing old ones that give me the feeling of being alive again after what seems like and eternity of dark days...


Whilst my love was on
this planet, he wasted very few moments.
The days were spent mostly making or repairing things, he was a very down to earth man but said he loved me because, quoting Dylan's words, "of the two sisters I was the 'creative one'".  He always encouraged me to express myself here in Finding my Bliss.  He said he was not creative but I knew differently for music and words were a big part of his life loving to search the internet for lost tunes and lyrics. I would often find him in the small hours happily singing along to some random finding with a lovely smile on his face...

What I take from this man is his attitude of living each moment to the full.
I feel like I might be emerging as a butterfly from the chrysalis

and

I know he would want me to fly in all my creative glory not wasting one minute!

Today I returned to my morning yoga practice, nothing too strenuous, have not laid my mat out in over six months, I have been somewhere else, the land of numbness, but now I am stirring...

Thursday, 13 November 2014

What is Art ? ~ I am Art?

I had a hard time of it as an 'art student'!
The course was what they termed 'self-led'.
I was thrown in at the deep end, technique instruction was a no no,
finding one's own way through research and experimentation was the path to self expression..

This was at the time when Tracey Emin was making her conceptual Bed Art!
For me there wasn't much in the way of positive encouragement, my work being worthy!
The relationship with my tutor Mr Salt was a 'love ~ hate' one, I loved the passion intrigue and excitement
he evoked for the 'modern way', but I hated the lack of feedback about my work, the only comment I remember was "this looks awkward".  A number of the students dropped out of the course expecting a more 'traditional' approach, copying the 'masters' etc!

I made it my goal to finish the course through sweat, blood and tears, I remember my final comments to the tutors which I can tell you did not go down well ~

"whether you approve of my work or not, I am an artist, I have always been an artist, it is in my blood, it is what I do".

These days I would take that even further, I would say I am art! my life is art! much like the way Tracey Emin expressed herself, through 'herself', showcasing her everyday activity conceptually, her inner experience of life was made manifest, portrayed through the everyday things of life.

My Art Gallery where I showcase myself is this on-line space where I document my story, my life,
from moment to moment, day to day through the years of  ~ Finding my Bliss

Yes I am Art ~ You are Art!

Art as I see it is the way we express our innermost Self
a revealing of the unseen, through our stories, the happy or sad,
told to the world through our words, images, music...





I'm a blank canvas
where I paint my life stories,
throughout all seasons...

Sending my thoughts to ~

Haiku my Heart
Recuerda mi Corazon

Friday, 31 October 2014

Sending Love & Light



Sending love & light
speeding over vast oceans
lifting heavy hearts 



Go to ~~>
Haiku my Heart
Recuerda mi Corazon

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Life is Huge Break a few Rules

You may have noticed a little swirling going on in my latest posts!
I had forgotten about the spiraling tool in fotoflexer ~ distort!
But yes if fits my mood a kind of swirling..

Most days I am given over to the grief
BUT
TODAY I notice a little lightness, nay
JOY
when tapping the keys!
I am not sure where all of this is leading me but I am
TAKING
HEART
KNOWING the journey continues with
MY LOVE, he is
INTERWOVEN throughout my very
BEING
AND
I am grateful for this
ONE
BEAUTIFUL but sometimes brutally bewildering
LIFE!
and yes, I make no apologies for using capitals!

This
is 
Huge!

Break
a
few 
Rules!

Friday, 24 October 2014

Tumbling with Red leaves...

My heart's in a spin
hurtling towards the unknown
tumbling with red leaves...


For Haiku my Heart and my beloved Rebecca,
springboard to joy,
catalyst for courage...

Recuerda mi Corazon

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 9

Safeguarding my Heart in this Choppy Ocean of Grief
.
.

There are open and raw wounds around my heart, they need attention,
I am paying heed to a well know scripture ~ " for all that is to be guarded, safeguard the heart"!
Not allowing bitterness to take hold is the work at hand.

I have to thank you my sisters in large part for allowing my grief story here in this space, for offering comfort and encouragement through these days, for just being there through this journey gifting me connection in my hours of need. This indeed helps keep the heart open and soft, your words of wisdom and care.

This week I start a course of psychotherapy offered to me through the hospice who cared for my love. I have mixed feelings, I went along to one of the group sessions but felt overwhelmed by the tears and sadness of the other grievers, I will try to remain open to what might arise through one to one therapy. Having said that I already know the limitations of what psychotherapy can achieve, I know that it's up to me to navigate my own way through these waves of  grief, this choppy ocean of overwhelm.




I know too well the story of the hungry wolves fighting for my heart, the vengeful and angry one or the loving and compassionate one" I know which one I must feed!

You can find a lovely article relating how "healing and transformation is possible only through changing one's perspective from within" 'Healing yourself through Writing' , 
by Catherine Ann Jones ~ Daily Om  

Friday, 26 September 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 8

Simply Hanging In ~
.
foxy bides her time
hanging in there on the rail
dreaming of Mr fox


A friend asked about self-care, how was I caring for myself?
The answer is simple, I look through the lens, 
I line up some lusciousness, I click and create a story,
I edit, and then sometimes I haiku my story  ~

simply, 
syllables, 
five seven five!
I Haiku my Heart ~

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 7

The Robin & Coming Undone ~

Apparently one of the many emotional states one may go through in grieving is the feeling you are going Mad, this is a very frightening feeling that I identify with.  This may arise as being confused about your own beliefs, strong beliefs that may now start to melt in the light of your experience.  One of the hardest things about this whole episode is that I now have to look myself squarely in the eye and ask if all of my grandiose words about connection to the Divine still hold water!

There is much talk of 'authenticity' and now I find I'm asking myself questions about my core beliefs, what has now surfaced under extreme pressure? How do I truly feel about my connection to the Divine?  I must admit lately this yoking has seemed tenuous and there have been times when my own words have come unstuck and looked like they may have been dissolved down the universal plug-hole! 

The day a robin flew into the house window is an example of my conflicted feelings.  I heard the thud, I went outside to investigate but could not find the bird anywhere, thought it had flown off unscathed, only later on did I see it's limp little body lying on the ground, I became distraught when picking the poor thing up.  While clutching the soft little bundle and trying to find somewhere appropriate to lay him I started sobbing profusely and screamed a damnation at the source! I just let it all go!  

Of course the robin was a scapegoat for my love and the pent-up feelings I had for the abrupt and traumatic way his life ended!  How could I speak of my Divine connection anymore when I felt such a cruel cutting off from my life-long partner! Yet in the back of my mind whilst screaming and sobbing for the robin, My Love... a voice was whispering something I had read, that this loss of faith is also part of life's path, that it is okay to doubt! 

The jury is still not out, I find reconciliation with source, universe, whatever difficult,

but, the robin was so beautiful, as was my love

and, where do I turn to show gratitude for all of the awesomeness in my life?


Friday, 19 September 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 6

A Simple Message ~
draw anew each day
.intention to play softly
in the light of love


Over here in the UK a brand new series of Grand Designs is being aired on TV.  Last night I was immersed into a world of serenity when a new build featured an authentic Japanese room, created to transport the occupants back home.  The simple and minimal layout with soft traditional elements immediately conveyed peace.  It wasn't just the beautiful design features that impacted my senses but I felt such a longing to be in that space, environment, to experience a life for a time free of clutter both physical and mental. 

I have been trying to clear my love's garage and my home of anything that is not useful or necessary for I need to move away. I have been working non-stop to keep the place presentable so that when the time is right I will be ready to go, I'm waiting for a buyer.  I have a garden the size of a small park which needs lots of attention so I am wearing myself out both physically and mentally, it is more that one man or woman's work!  This TV programme reminded me to carve out for myself time, to make a sanctuary to readdress my energy levels.  I have not been to my yoga class since my love passed away or practiced at home.

Going through the grieving process does funny things to the mind! I suppose survival mode kicks in and you feel like you MUST carry on and get things done regardless.  To start with I think adrenaline was carrying me through the days, I kept telling myself " I can do this, I can handle it" but now I am waning and need to heed the warning signs, this programme did me a favour, reminding me to go softly on myself.

Sharing with other lovers of Japanese Simplicity at ~

Haiku my Heart
Recuerda mi Corazon

PS ~ a little something from my bliss list, a few words of wisdom and comfort ~

Traveller's Notes

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 5

Abstract ~ Slipping Away
.

I just realized it is ten days since I posted,
I don't like this thought of life galloping away from me whilst feeling time-warped!
I was counting the days since my love passed, it came to a hundred and nineteen but seems
like only yesterday compared to the few score days he was ill, this felt like an eternity of suffering.

I have this photo of him taken not long before he passed,
you can see he is really sick but he has the most beautiful expression on his face.
I talk to it often and kiss it, or should I say 'I talk to him often' for I swear he is still breathing, I can feel him...

This is what scares me the most, the slipping away of him,
some days I try to visualize him, each of his body parts, they are clear,
right down to the little brown spot under his foot.
The hardest thing is remembering his voice, the tone, if only I had recorded it.
He would always sing first thing of a morning when his voice was more gravelly I do remember that...

I'm okay in the home we built together for it was always my ideas he made material, so when I see the stonework or the floor we laid together these are warm thoughts but it is different in the garage, his domain, everything is of him, nothing of me.

I am dismantling his domain now for I have to move soon, this is so hard I feel like I am dismantling him...


Friday, 29 August 2014

Coming up for Breath


I am taking a little detour off of the 'Grief Path' story for the time being,
for I am feeling entrenched and bogged down by the detail and not lifted!
I will be back chipping in now and again with my progress on this difficult road
but, my aspirations for telling the whole story might have to be weaved into the everyday,
for I do not want to drown in my own grief story...







Monday, 25 August 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 4

Orb Hunting a Lovely Distraction ...

Grieving is the hardest day's work I have ever done, and for sure grief is work for it has a purpose an outworking! I am learning all the time, like you cannot move on from grief it is something you have to go through! You might have already detected my feeling a need to move on from the previous post, but I have realised there is no sidestepping grief, this is not an option.  Grief is attached to the thing or person loved and lost, the bigger the attachment the deeper the grief! Like the saying "grief is the price you pay for loving".  I said at the beginning I wanted to document my experience here in the darkest place I've been so far and to be honest with myself and readers. So this is no place for flowery speech or for setting grief in the middle of a rose garden, much of this is raw stuff! Having said that hope does orbit around me and sitting in a rose garden would certainly help too! 

I am no stranger to depression, I have had my share of this sometimes soul destroying mental condition.  I have come across coping tools but, nothing actually takes depression away as has been well documented recently by the death of depression sufferer Robin Williams.  However, one tool that does help is distraction. I am well used to this tool, that is one reason I blog and seek expression through this media. Also photography which in itself is a marvelous aid for not only focusing in the moment but also as a means to usher gratitude into the perspective.

I learned quite a while ago now, through my study of Buddhism actually that the practice of gratitude is a very good way to cope when you are overwhelmed by depressing situations, to actively seek gratitude.  This was not a new thought to me at the time, being brought up on the Christian concept of counting your blessings one by one, but this had actually gone over my head for some years probably because it was not the right time for me to appreciate this wisdom.  After reading how gratitude can transform your day I got to think about the numerical semantics of this practice and it dawned on me that if you can fill your head-space with reasons to be grateful then it is logical that there will be less space for other more negative thoughts to take seed and inevitably make depression more difficult to bear.

Just now I am making use of these tools knowing I am given to depressive periods anyway and my intention is to make this situation more bearable through distraction and gratitude practice, but I know full-well when I go back to normal everyday activities the same feelings of grief will return.  The feelings come out of the blue in waves, not always through bad thoughts though like the way my love suffered so before he died, but after the happy flashbacks to things we did together, I seem to get many of these at random times in the day then as always the grief comes flooding back, the yearning for that which cannot be.

I will be visiting a support worker from the hospice where my husband died next week, I may need extra counselling they said because of the trauma surrounding his death so I am going to take all of the help I can, not with a victim frame of mind but in curious way, for I am aware grieving is natural and I am interested in the subject.  I have vowed along the 'Warrior Path' and I know it is possible to turn this experience into something valuable for both myself and others.

Friday, 22 August 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 3

Grief Processing
I have a brand new camera, I got it before my love took ill.  I have only used it twice, it was easier to get my old beloved camera out whilst studying technicalities for the switch over.  Then life got in the way and here I am still using my old familiar trusted friend even though the battery casing is broke and held together with an elastic band!


My daughter said I "just have to plough through the days" and this is exactly how it is each day, same, same, I seem stuck in the repeated pattern of grief, I so want to move on from this experience for I feel bogged down.  My house is on the open market without a stir, I keep mowing the grass, keeping up appearances, hoping someone will fall in love with the place as we both did 15 years ago... But then I don't really know where it is I want to go, except for the calling ocean but I just know I need to be away from this, these days, this life.... I want to start again a new life, a new camera, new experiences...


I know grieving is a process, and like any other process, it takes time and I must be patient for it to have its outworking,  however, I know that I am nearing the end of this chapter ready to turn the page, to fly away. In the meantime I am still finding images to play with, to see what becomes, evolves.... 


Monday, 18 August 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 2

Of Friends & Angels


Well here I am trying to relate my grief story!
Grief is such a difficult animal to get a hold on, only a few weeks back I was thinking "I'm doing okay,
no need for any counselling" then bam I was knocked to the ground, could not stop crying and the wave of confusion hit me like never before!  I felt as I had read somewhere that I was going crazy, this was really frightening. I had to visit the doctor.  I also had to eat my own words, the ones I had even written about here, so this is a hard lesson to learn ~ I am not of a superhuman species despite my endeavors in personal growth but just like nearly everyone I need help!  I have reached out and will be getting professional support shortly.



In the meantime I am giving a shout of cheer to all the lovely people who have helped me so far, starting with my friend Christine of Mystic Meandering who has been there for me all along, through all of the painful days supporting me. Christine often reflects back to me things I'm already thinking, this is a powerful reinforcement of my thoughts when I see her words and it encourages me so. 

Christine also sees things in my images that I don't such as the one I posted last,
 here ~ 'Grief Story on the Hoof Entry1'
I could see a scene of a rough landscape with mountainous backdrop that I interpreted to be my current grieving situation but Christine saw something else, what appeared to be a woman looking down on the edge of the image. When I looked again, yes, I could see her too, I'd missed her so this is what I thought I would do ~

I embellished the woman in Picasa, using the re-touch tool as it acts like a clone, I turned her into a 'guardian angel' giving her wings! For this is how I experience my online friends, they are there for each other like gaurdian angels throughout the seasons, looking for ways to bolster one-another up when the going gets tough.  Also sharing stories of womankind together, knowing that we all need to hear them.  As my friend Suzanne over at Sperlygirl expresses beautifully in her post Conjuring Kindness " she speaks of our "collective ability" to do this, via our individual stories.  I think story telling is contagious, the more we do this the more our stories will spread! This is what we want to do as women spread the love for each other, for the world, the world needs more of our female nurturing love.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 1


I'm in the process of investigating grief.   Prior to my love's departure from this life I believed I had come far with my personal growth and spiritual journey. Along the way I have encountered a number of "dark nights of the soul", surviving these experiences has fueled the desire to keep my head above water now at this the darkest night so far! I want to test if the former lessons hold true for this period and what adjustments can be made.



Up until a few weeks ago and all through the painful experience of finding out the dreadful news that my love had only weeks to live and subsequently witnessing his decline in the most harrowing manner I stayed amazingly strong! I put this down to just two things I prayed for 'strength & wisdom', strength to see me through and wisdom to know how to deal with the days and what to do. I feel I had both, although each day was a challenge my spirit didn't dip that low to bowl me over. I knew I had to keep going for him, myself and family.


This sense of 'keeping it together' carried on for a while after the funeral, I was constantly reminded of this by family and friends who said how amazingly strong I was. These days I have to admit I feel challenged somewhat coping with my grief along with facing problems associated with being single on reduced finances and dealing with the practicalities of living alone in a property needing high physical and financial maintenance, my husband was like a park-keeper and I have been feeling rightly or wrongly the need to fill that role for him...

So I have decided to document my grieving course in the form of an on-line diary here in this space for these reasons to ~
  • allow myself a place where I can empty out my sometimes random thoughts onto the page, not only will this be therapeutic but also help me make some-kind of sense to it all.
  • hold a record of this story for myself that I may know where I have come from and where I am in the present moment and where this is leading, kind of charting my course. 
  • come up with conclusions that work for me and that might be useful for others who find themselves in similar situations.

In theory I would like to post daily but in reality the entries will be random for I do not want to put any pressure on myself at this time knowing I must be 'kind and gentle with myself' in my vulnerability. I intend to keep my love of photography alive through this period as I already know this is 'medicine' for me, I will be posting images as usual but trying to explain more on how this practice really does help!

Image I have always loved abstract art, the above and opposite images fit that category. The original was a macro photo I had taken of a candle holder in bright sunlight. Using some of the edits from Google Picasa I transformed the image into a piece of art.  I think this works well as an abstract because of the strong graphic elements in the original adding interest to the abstract. Metaphorically speaking it fits in with how I am feeling too! The dark horizontal lines at the bottom resemble a dusty road strewn along a rocky landscape with a mountainous backdrop, where I feel I am presently! But, with hope hovering above as depicted by the coloured graphic wings! You can always interpret your abstract art and see something intuitive and meaningful for yourself, this is therapy, a good way to spend time when your life is asking all kinds of questions!

Monday, 11 August 2014

Somewhere


When grief hits hard, those moments when you dip and sink,
  
the best thing is to just Be, wait until something calls to you

  from somewhere between shadow and light

just one little shaft playing somewhere may induce you


to grab hold of its tail and cling real tight


 for there you might just find
a glimmer of hope your heart's delight..

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Healing Reflections along the Grief Path




I prayed, yes I still pray this is what I do, part of who I am, my connecting with source. I prayed for just two things when my love became seriously ill, I prayed for strength to see me through and wisdom to know how to tread along the 'Dark Passage'. My father worked in dark passages for most of his adult life as a coal miner, religion was not high on Dad's agenda but the simple and humble acknowledgement of his maker was what I learned from him, coupled with my own inherent leanings towards spirituality through a love of creation I was destined from an early age to be a seeker...

I think I would have been about eight or nine at the time when Dad came home from the mine unsettled by having lost his watch somewhere that day, I heard him tell Mum whilst she was preparing dinner. I remember turning to prayer and asking for God's help on the matter in my childish way then leaving it with him for food was about to be served.  Later on that evening I overheard a conversation ending with "well I never, thank you very much". Yes the watch was back! Deepak Chopra in his book The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire asserts "there is no such thing as coincidence". "Not only are these strange, everyday experiences meaningful, but they offer glimpses of the infinite possibilities we could embrace".

Over the weekend "black dog" paid me a visit and to be honest he was outstaying his welcome, I could not shake him off.  So what would a grieving girl do and particularly one who has vowed along the 'warrior path'?  I have found it's sometimes not a matter of fighting but just Being with what is... Whilst I was Being, listening to Chill Radio and sitting with my love's photo who's smile keeps me going a very strange thing happened! They played Clair de Lune my love's favourite piano music from childhood, which incidentally was played at his funeral.  Clair de Lune is a highly unusual piece for this radio station so as the tears flowed I took it to be a sign of comfort from my love, not a coincidence but the spontaneous fulfillment of my desire...

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Continuum #3 ~ Wake-up Call


Sunday ~ I could hear the drum beats once again from over the field in my back garden.  I got the same nostalgic feel haunting me that I'd gotten previously.   This time more so with the passing of my love.  The passing of time shot through my consciousness like an arrow speeding in one fell swoop to it's target, all happening in one day, maybe it did!

Tuesday ~ They are packing away now, though I can occasionally hear the drums, and as usual I feel regret not having taken hold of those sticks in the circle, or the true spirit of Stainsby Festival come to that! Every year it seems like alternative nomads are transported to my village to play out a magical scene among our summer fields, they come to tempt me with some other kind of freedom, then before I can get my bearings as the wind blows through dandelion seed-heads it all drifts off away into the ether for one more orbit around the sun.

I'm still a babe on the grief path, totally inexperienced and untaught, though they do say there is no right or wrong way to grieve I'm painfully aware that I am largely ignorant of the whole dying process.  Our society shields us and has largely fed us fear stories about death and too many happy ever afters in our childhood, we push death as far away as possible instead of integrating the inevitable into our lives.

Death is very big, HUGE, the subject is difficult to deal with and truth be known it scares the hell out of me but the painful experience of my love's passing has beautiful parts too, ones I want to relate as part of my grief path story. I think my annual rendezvous with Stainsby reminds me of a forgotten time where people lived much closer to the earth, life and death.  Where drumming and story telling were part and parcel of this sacred life.  I always mean to get closer to that life, I think my love's death is a wake up call for me...

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Continuum #2 ~ Rising from the Depths




So now I'm further along the 'continuum' ~ sequence of elemental change, what next?

I have been taking my time along the grief path and in so doing have been wondering if there might be some advantage in relating my experience? Is this a possible worthwhile endeavor? Telling my story of grief as it unfolds for the mutual benefit of myself and others?  For writing has become an integral part of my creative life and I have realized it's importance particularly at this time as the days can seem long and without purpose, or at least not being able to share that purpose with 'my love' after his parting. I have been plunged into a new landscape of confusion, not knowing which direction to turn, this is new territory for me, I will be telling my story on the hoof!

I've been visiting a couple of support websites not having experienced this type of intense grief before in my life and yes support is what I need!  I have lots of care from family, friends and online friends but specialized support maybe is something worth investigating I thought, albeit with some skepticism! In the past I'd heard support groups can be places where lots of crying and bemoaning life's lot is common place and for me this would have the opposite effect of what I hope for, something positive to take forward.  I don't want to be leaving any site or support group feeling negative tones, leaving me in the same helpless position! However, I do appreciate that for some talking therapies/groups help release the burden of pent-up emotional grief.

So for me the criteria for my investigations would be how the session or reading left me, did it make me feel hopeful and up-lifted or take me back to the grief-laden feeling?   I'm not saying grief should be rushed as I know it takes time and according to the 'professionals' there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but as far as I am concerned life is a gift and, 'looking for that gift in the everyday' philosophy suits me, it's an imperative that I do not undermine this habit by overly dwelling on grief.  Having said that I know there will be grief triggers, I will have to find my way around these, this is the challenge and as with all challenges we face ~
'the warrior woman must rise'!

BTW I visited two support sites today, the latter made me laugh see why, it's not heavy honestly, will only take one click and not much reading, just visioning ~ LOL

Visit ~
 Heart~Held


Thursday, 10 July 2014

Continuum

A Continuum ~>
continual sequence of ~>
elemental change ~>


By far this is the most difficult post written by myself, ever.
I have not visited this place for sometime...
I have been 'lying low' as an old friend used to put it,
not low through depression or anything like that
but since my love passed away parts of my known world have passed too.
I have difficulty recognizing the landscape around me,
I'm lying low so that I can absorb some of the new terrain.
I am still quite dizzy, it's going to take some time...

Much of what I wrote about here in this space would involve a brief glimpse of 'my love' and our life together. I had thought of closing 'Finding my Bliss', for a pivotal part of everything this blog has stood for seemed on the surface of things to be missing! But as the days have come and gone I am beginning to look at things in a different light and although I am grieving for my love I find I am l feeling his presence, not in a spooky way you understand.  I have this wonderful photograph that was taken of him before he died in the hospice, I talk to it!  He has such a relaxed warm smiling expression on his face that makes me feel so very close to him and whenever I notice the slightest cloud of grief appear I reach for him and I am inspired, not to necessarily move on, but I feel his ever supporting spirit.

Today I should be cleaning house and so forth as it is up for sale, I can no longer afford to live here, but instead I got to reading some up-building posts, one in particular talked about life's moments as being one continuum.  This is how I have come to view what has happened, there have been elemental changes but life is still a 'continuum', I have not let 'my love' go as some would say, I am not clinging to him either or grasping at the past but he is still very much a part of me and the future!

What I have learned so far along this 'continuum', even more poignantly over these last few months, is that 'life is a gift'. I am now learning to look more intently for that gift in everyday... One of the treasured gifts that I put down for awhile after my love's death is the gift of seeing and turning that sight, view, moment into something beautiful, a memory aid. The image above is of something that was catching my eye in the sunshine sparkles of a glass bead bowl, I had to reach for my camera, I intuitively knew there was a gift waiting for me!  

Sure enough there it was the 'continuum' of life flowing,
symbolized like ocean tides and spirals, 
like a cup running over! 
Do you see it too?

Linking with Rebecca at

Haiku my Heart
Recuerda mi Corazon

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Processing Pain ...



As humans we want to put rhyme and reason into our experience of existence
for we are made thinking and feeling beings, and to think there is no reason, well this is absurd and unreasonable...

But when pain enters the scenario and particularly your own dear one's excruciating pain that will not go away day after day week after week then all  wise words of connection to the Divine are challenged, you are left with an emptiness, confusion and overwhelm...

You may find yourself despising your words of wisdom, even the words of poets and mystics which once soothed now may take on a hollow tone.

I keep clutching at my thoughts in desperation for the reason, they tell me it is all part of the universal unfolding, for lesson learning, my edification.
 I tell you I haven't got it yet! And, I must carry on along the path for I have no choice...



But still I cannot deny the 'awesome' in everyday, the million facets of beauty sparkling out from all directions of heaven and earth, bombarding my senses, shouting out the reason beyond reason, evident in the depth and breadth of love, the gifts galore in creation and kind hearts ~ I am forever grateful. 

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Moments Beyond Measure

Today I wanted to say something profound to catch your attention,
but on second thoughts decided that better be left to the mystics, poets and sages,
for words worthy of their weight and restorative to the soul do not come easy...
Instead, I will tell you what 'my love' said
as he lay in the hospital bed...


He said "don't worry about me".

You don't know how precious those few words were, are...
Today like most of the other days in hospital he has been either writhing in pain or medicated into slumber.
Yesterday he was hallucinating most of the day and I imagined I would never be able to speak with him in a meaningful way again. The day before he managed an embrace but no words...

But today he opened his eyes for just one minute, just long enough to say
"don't worry about me",
the tears flowed...

That's 'my love' selfless to the end, my big, brave, strong, unsung hero...

My greatest teacher.
He embodies naturally what I have striven for over the years,
he is a most beautiful person both inside and out.

I don't know how may days we have together,
but the few words and embraces we have
are treasured beyond measure...

My love....x


Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Photography Saves...

I'm sat at the ~


edge of a rainbow, if you look closely you can just make out the colours in the left corner above...


I'm seeing


kind hearts everywhere... hugs to you all...


Wednesday, 26 March 2014

A well lit Passage



My candle burns bright
amid swirling blacks and greys.
faith is my strong flame...

I'm taking quiet days by candlelight whilst my love is ill,
I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel
but the passage is well lit
we are living in Love & Light...


Sunday, 16 March 2014

It's Okay



I have yet to master the art of feeling all is okay whilst suffering pain!
However I feel sheer pleasure, 'my cup runneth over' feeling in the absence of pain.

Perhaps I haven't traveled far enough down the road to enlightenment,
or sat long enough on my meditation cushion,
or said my thousandth hail Mary
to be okay with pain.

But

What pain has taught me is
to Be with pain,
to Be with those who suffer pain too,
to feel their pain like it's my own,
to let my heart soften towards their painful moments
not to take it away, but to say there there, I'm here for you,
I'm here for you in your moments of 'not okay',
we can feel the pain together, it's okay!


Friday, 14 March 2014

Warrior Woman Detour

Yearning clear blue skies
to brighten the road for ease,
to step light of heart...


Detour intersect
is warrior woman's path
she must tread alone,
her only companion Om
lifts a weighted heart...
feeling vibrational warmth,
she lights momentum...

My heart is weighed down at the moment, we are waiting for scan results,
my love has been in constant debilitating pain since before Christmas,
I'm having a nasty IBS flare-up, I'm doing warrior woman work!

I am grateful for this Friday morning ritual ~ Haiku my Heart,
it is a wonderful distraction from the everyday, focusing on
and fitting feelings into 575 syllables...

Thanks to our Rebecca
for hosting ~>

Haiku my Heart
Recuerda mi Corazon

Sunday, 9 March 2014

I Played in Paradise

The sun shone brightly today,
I took advantage of her brilliant gift,
I tended my garden,


I tended my spirit,
I played in paradise...

Postcards from Paradise
Recuerda mi Corazon



Friday, 7 March 2014

My Silken Altar

The reflective image below is one taken of my south facing window, 
which is more like an altar to me because of the ever changing light
that allows for embracing the moments of silent connection and praise.
I take many photographs from this window as I marvel at the sun's energy 
to illuminate or in this case reveal through shadows and reflections.
This image has been sitting in my file for sometime,
it has a hidden message for me that 
I knew would one day surface...
  

Heart broken open
by the mystery of you...
love stitches together.

 Gentle love rides pain
like silken thread slips through jute
spring balm for raw edge.

Stitch with silken love
the polarities of life 
embrace the mystery...


Sending to Rebecca for healing...
Haiku my Heart

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Night Vision

At the moment I'm feeling a bit stuck,
groping about in the dark, can't wait for daylight to see.
I'm on a journey but can't quite make out where the next stop off is...


I want my view to be clear and colourful,
with lots of beauty and inspiration so I can see clearly where I am going,
which turn off to take, but the truth of the matter is things are a little obscure and monochrome...


But, I have learned by now to look for beauty here too in the flat monochrome, to rest awhile with what is. I've come to realize and appreciate we need these quite times, it's like the scripture says ~ "there is a season for everything under the sun". Perhaps that is why I am so in-tune with trees in their winter state, their season for repose.
I know their sap will begin to rise soon, if not already, and then whoosh!
Away we will all go, bursting forth with the colours of life!


Sunday, 2 March 2014

Trees, Light, Dreams & Reaching Out

My mind has been with the trees lately.
For now, they remain stripped back to their essential winter state.
Something deep within me clings to these bare open arms, these silhouettes...


I had a dream about the trees ~

I was stationed all alone and before my eyes a huge tree appeared,
surrounded by smaller trees, the trees formed a copse with the huge tree transmitting light.
Lighting the ground where I stood, I marveled at the tree emitting the light and felt an affinity with it...

All of a sudden the tree copse and the light lifted and transported itself to a distant place.
I was alarmed for I wanted to be in the company of the trees and remain within the beautiful light.
I called to the huge tree from a distance and asked that they return to me.  Immediately the
tree copse uprooted again and came back, but they didn't come so close, a little way away
but within reach with a little effort!

After recalling my dream I thought about the science fiction film Avatar, which featured a huge sacred tree that sustained both physically and spiritually the indigenous Na'vis from the Planet Pandora. How the sacred tree rejuvenated the Na'vis who slept under it's bows with their tails plugged into the earth where the tree roots were and how this replenished them throughout the night.

My Tree Dream Interpretation ~

My tree represents Source and spiritual light, a gift.
I may plug into Source
through my Divine connection for sustenance.
Sometimes Source seems to be far away,
disconnected,
I feel not plugged in.
I have to reach out for the light, 
to re-connect,
but when I reach out, 
call out, there is a response.
So I make the effort to reach the light 
trusting Source for strength and sustenance...

Of course Source is always there, it's just the way it seems...

Sending to ~
Postcards from Paradise




Friday, 28 February 2014

More Dot Joining...

All day long we'd be nursing baby and bunny,
dress on, dress off, wrapping baby up,
washing baby, changing nappies,
swaddling her in a blanket,
laying her in bed....
I mean the whole day!
Then when it was bedtime for granddaughter Connie, of course baby and bunny had to go too...
No one has taught her this deep nurturing behavior,
it is as natural as breathing...


I think this might be why these female doll-like creative expressions keep popping up,
why I so enjoy playing with my images, expanding them in the digital playground.
As a child I remember the books that had the perforated pull out paper dolls
with interchangeable mix and match wardrobes, where the dresses
hooked onto the dolls by tabs at the back, this fascinated me.

I have the natural desire to nurture, this seems to be deeply seated within the feminine. When looking around 'blogsphere' a profusion of nurturing sister circles have appeared, nourishing and flourishing!  I have come to the realization and conclusion that we live in most exciting times.  The internet is truly coming into it's own and is being utilized by the sister-hood for healing in ways that have never been available to humans before. Some believe a great 'Shift' is shaping up where each individual can contribute, share, become part of a collective consciousness that is forming steadily, a ground swell.  It has been mentioned that women could be the front-runners of this Shift, using their natural feminine Divine to lead the way... send out to the universe ripples of love and connection...
This is also my Belief!



























In 'Play Time' I am going to be creating more feminine forms and dolls, with meaning and metaphor!
I create the simple look from photographs using  Paint & Picasa, unlike the more sophisticated Photoshop, these two photo editing and drawing programs are quick and easy to use, just a matter of playing!
Keep a watch out and maybe you will join me in ~ How To!

Ripples of healing...
send synchronized energy...
marry 'spring' cosmos...

Linking with all the lovelies at ~>

Haiku my Heart
Recuerda mi Corazon

Monday, 24 February 2014

Joining dots and making connections....

I had such a lovely,
if not exhausting time looking after Connie
whilst Mummy & Daddy swanned off to the Big City Beer Festival...

The day  before I had noticed a lovely reflection on my widow in the blazing sun,
an unusual occurrence ~ the sun that is!
Of course I don't need much encouragement to linger,
dream and imagine all kinds of otherworldly goings on in my window reflections,
I'm soon seeing into the realms of otherworldly possibilities...
So I snapped merrily away to see what as my friend Patricia would say is 'gifted to me'....

I intuited the need for more clarity on my subject, so off to the land of 'Picasa'
where I highlighted and darkened, then as if by magic, the dots were connected to my little Connie,
I had bought her a ceramic money box in the form of an Asian lady and there she was arising in my image,
born from my inner intuiting ...


I just had to plump her out with fine 'line' details in Windows 'Paint' 
after visiting the land of  'Picasa' for a little 'retouch' and cloning some new earrings...

Little Connie is only 21 months, I can see we will have lots of dreaming and visioning days to come!