Apparently one of the many emotional states one may go through in grieving is the feeling you are going Mad, this is a very frightening feeling that I identify with. This may arise as being confused about your own beliefs, strong beliefs that may now start to melt in the light of your experience. One of the hardest things about this whole episode is that I now have to look myself squarely in the eye and ask if all of my grandiose words about connection to the Divine still hold water!
There is much talk of 'authenticity' and now I find I'm asking myself questions about my core beliefs, what has now surfaced under extreme pressure? How do I truly feel about my connection to the Divine? I must admit lately this yoking has seemed tenuous and there have been times when my own words have come unstuck and looked like they may have been dissolved down the universal plug-hole!
The day a robin flew into the house window is an example of my conflicted feelings. I heard the thud, I went outside to investigate but could not find the bird anywhere, thought it had flown off unscathed, only later on did I see it's limp little body lying on the ground, I became distraught when picking the poor thing up. While clutching the soft little bundle and trying to find somewhere appropriate to lay him I started sobbing profusely and screamed a damnation at the source! I just let it all go!
Of course the robin was a scapegoat for my love and the pent-up feelings I had for the abrupt and traumatic way his life ended! How could I speak of my Divine connection anymore when I felt such a cruel cutting off from my life-long partner! Yet in the back of my mind whilst screaming and sobbing for the robin, My Love... a voice was whispering something I had read, that this loss of faith is also part of life's path, that it is okay to doubt!
The jury is still not out, I find reconciliation with source, universe, whatever difficult,
but, the robin was so beautiful, as was my love,
and, where do I turn to show gratitude for all of the awesomeness in my life?