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Awakening ~ A Brush with Vulnerability

There is nothing more sobering and haunting
than coming across a deceased person's blog,
especially if the post caption reads ~

Life is TOO Short ....!

Now I'm looking back in time
with this painful reminder ~
as from early December to late January,
I experienced being trapped in some fearful sickly fog!
Those days now quickly becoming a blur.

I was loosing weight alarmingly, feeling nauseous with
loss of energy, unable to perform the simplest task.
Loss of coordination and blurry vision.
Restless nights waking with sudden pain and anxiety,
accompanied by hot and cold sweats,
were just a few of the symptoms.

At the doctor's orders an emergency
ambulance transported me to hospital
resulting in appointments for scary tests along
with the excruciating wait of 21 days for biopsy results.
Each of those 60 days illness seemed to last at least
60 hours long!

Fast becoming a distant memory ~

Excerpt from diary ~
When the test results came back I spent the whole evening going through in my mind the last nine weeks and trying to decipher the meaning of it all, not that it should have any meaning, but what I could deduce from this very STRANGE experience. 'I don't want it to evaporate into the ether, it is part of my story, I want to remember it even though it was very frightening and painful, both physically and mentally!

The fog began to lift ~
It became clear to me that this was more than just another illness I've had during my lifetime.  It was significant, a full stop in my life, a pausing point to take account of things.  This period of time was allowing me to view things from a different perspective, soberly.  During my illness my vulnerability and dependence on others, mainly my husband allowed me to appreciate how so interdependent we all are, that no one is truly independent.  This whole drama has been very humbling bringing me really low, but I am now seeing the worth and lessons of humility, it has led me to think about how I can personally deal more compassionately with others ~>
.
to Trust more,
to share more,
to give more,
to look for new ways of contributing my gifts + resources, both locally and here globally on-line,
.
also
.
to gift myself more, more time Being, more time being absorbed in nature.

.

The day before I got my 'all clear' test results I had started feeling better,
more than I had in nearly two months ~
.
Excerpt from diary ~
.'For the first time in a long time I feel alive, me!  This evening I walked out into the cool air, my steps felt more secure even on the slippery ice, more secure than I'd felt in awhile. I gazed towards the cottage over the road, the warm glow in the window made me feel good and connected, living as part of three dwellings straggling our little brook. As I turned to go back indoors a wintry breeze brushed sharply against my cheeks bearing witness, I'm alive, I feel like me, and I'm so grateful!'

The following days my strength picked up and suddenly as though a bright light had been switched on in the dark everything appeared so vividly beautiful, I had the most wonderful experiences including ~>

My Beautiful Day ~ Yoga Gratitude Prayer - Next Sunday

BTW Feeling vulnerable is closely linked with loss of control, discussed in today's DailyOM   
'Letting the Curves Take You' an article worth reading plus the discussion, 
particularly Jack Garrow's 'A Tandem Ride With God'! 


Comments

Dear Sue, how beautifully you write of your recent experience with illness and the insights that came. Yes, it is truly scary to have an unknown illness stop us in our tracks. This happened to me as well several years ago (not the same symptoms - but debilitating) and it lasted several years! But as you say, illnesses give us the time and space to refocus - to see life differently... Love your photo! And am glad you are feeling better!
foxysue said…
Thank you Christine it's always lovely to receive fellow feeling. x
Stephanie said…
This open sharing is so beautiful Sue, it's this view of the blog platform that I love...both putting our thoughts and feelings out to the universe and also to those that find it and find insight and comfort in your words.

and of course your images which are always ethereal and thought provoking.

x...x
suzanne said…
what a beautiful and honest glimpse at the fragility, rawness, and pure potential we carry within us with every waking breath. your writings and your images capture all that surrounds that preciousness in the wake of uncertainty. truly powerful. xx

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