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The Green Light...


The new camera I bought before my love died almost a year ago now still lies in it's box, used only a couple of times! My old faithful light catcher, bound by an elastic band to keep the batteries from falling out is the one I cling to for ease and comfort of the familiar, even though I know she is an aging lady like me, not quite as sharp and perhaps not as bedazzling as her modern counterparts. Having said that she continues to amaze me with her images...

I'm clinging to the familiar, it's like I'm waiting for the lights to change for a shift from the static to pick up from where I left off before my love died, waiting for the signal, the green light to release me from this stuckness to move forward, maybe for a speedy get-away! I've had this kind of paralysis over the last few months, I thought the grieving for my love would be melting away by now, that I would be emerging with renewed vigour with the promise of spring, but no I'm trapped for the time being.  However, some of this state hinges on things that are beyond my control to change, things like finding out if my home is going to be purchased by the government due to the fact they are proposing to place their high speed train track opposite my front door...

Though I have felt stuck and bowed low I have not given way to feelings of hopelessness, even with a daily amount of anxiety added like today for example my dog is in for a biopsy and the rat catcher has just left the house after dealing with the 'uninvited' up in the roof space!!  This time of laying low has had me burrowing down into warm fertile soil, feeling the soft comfort of soul-mates and finding nourishment in the form of wise words... I continue to sift and sort, weighing what lines up with my core, what resonates...

When the lights change I will be ready!




Comments

Norma Ruttan said…
Take your time. There is no set time for grieving to be finished. And there will be times even years down the road (at least, it has for me) when a memory will bring about crying, even sobbing like I did on the evening of the 14th. So be patient. If you have a friend like one of mine, she'll want you to move at a faster pace because really there is nothing she can do and it frustrates her- probably because she cannot fix the hurt or make it go away. I wish you comfort and peace.
Autumn M said…
i like your ol' girl as well, she shares with us some wonderfully insightful views of the world.

that amber light is so under-appreciated. it's taken as the mere hesitation between red and green. but i know that you know the value of the in-breath and exhale.

the crossroads requires an even longer amber time.
foxysue said…
Oh! Your words, the both of you! If you value the minerals of the earth, I would say your words are worth their weight in Gold!
I love the words of your friends too! I know when my father died, my mother, who was 57, was like a gutted candle for a long time. I think she also thought she would feel able to move on with her life more quickly, in a certain amount of time, but there was no "switch". Grief had its own time and its own way...

Your photo reminds me of tear drops, seeing through the tears to the life that awaits on the other side of grief... Heart Hugs!
suzanne said…
i agree, there is no timeline for grief, it is merely a pool of water we tread through and somedays the water is calm which makes for easy swimming and other days the chop is hard and it takes all our might to keep afloat - never with an island in sight. as it's not about reaching someplace new but rather mastering your own stroke within the waters. and your photo...i see fairies in your garden. xx

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