Messy, LIFE IS MESSY I thought pondering back over the events of the weekend when my 4 year old granddaughter's disapproving face said it all as she looked on at her new brother's first 'messy' nappy! I laughed at her innocence but got to thinking why do we find it so hard to accept the messy-ness of life? Why is our natural inclination set to the default of wanting everything to be just so? I will admit to having the perfectionist, idealist gene but I'm wondering if it is a genetic inheritance or something learned from childhood, social conditioning etc?
When I moved into my current home I felt this place was 'meant to be' although I knew it was only to be a temporary home as my real dream lay by the coast somewhere but for the time being things were as good as they could be for I had everything I needed here in this my sanctuary. I felt really secure and peaceful in this tiny flat perched in a treetop canopy, I could take as long as I needed to morn the loss of my love I thought noticing the turning leaves in the picture perfect view from my window. The branches of the trees formed a circular opening in the canopy with a glimpse of distant hills peeping through and making it complete I could see two birds perched on the branch... As the leaves gradually fell last autumn I felt safe gazing through my window with the pigeons cooing most mornings adding to the tranquility and comfort. I was as content as could be as the days proceeded, 'could be' being the operative words as in truth there were times when I just wanted to step off of this planet living half a life without my love, but somehow the sanctuary and the cooing birds soothed. The pigeons were always there in the background with their constant chattering undertone, even on the coldest days walking my boy they were never far away giving me a sense of calm and 'everything is alright' feeling...
The year has rolled round and I'm making plans to move from my sanctuary as it is only rented and I want somewhere of my own that I can put my interior stamp on but I haven't found anything yet that fits the bill by the coast, nothing has turned up! Do I take it that the coast is 'not meant to be'? Yesterday started out like most other mornings that of trawling the on-line housing market looking for the 'right one' this being about the three hundredth day in a row with no pleasing results but then I had a sudden jolt, a shock that threw me right away from my preoccupation. I heard this loud thud coming from the other room, immediately I knew something had collided with my window, something large from the sound of it! I made my way to the room and catching sight of the window I could see clearly the imprint of a bird's wing, I hardly dare look down to the ground but when I did, there laying on the grass was a pigeon barely moving, I could hardly look, my mind was in turmoil, I left the room hoping the bird would just be stunned, they sometimes are but on my return no, he was still there, laying there as still as could be looking so beautiful with the perfect patterned markings of his tail feathers. I had the 'how could this be' feeling return with my mind in chaotic confusion! There my symbol of everything that had brought me peace, tranquility, calmness and comfort was laying dead on the grass! I felt the blow as though it had been struck personally against my own soul and familiar déjà vu feelings began to rise. It was just like when the small robin met his same fate in the days following the death of my love, when I blamed God/Source/Universe for the loss of the bird which in reality was the death of my partner. ~ Grief Story
So how am I to take this loss again? As a real personal loss to myself? Or have I learned something from life's experience? Have I outgrown and left behind the notion of what life is 'meant to be', to be a certain way to fit in with my perfectionist/idealist view? When I looked at the circular hole in the tree canopy this year it was not quite so roundly perfect, some stems had grown inwards encroaching on the the shape of the circle, the perfectionist in me wanted to snip off those stems to make the hole whole again keeping the symbol of life's cycle perpetually perfect. But while laying in my bed imagining I could do that I got to thinking that the cycle of life is really not like that at all, this view is just one of my own construct. The cycle of life is actually quite 'messy' chaotically messy at times and even abruptly shocking too but as for 'meant to be' well there are many question marks for me surrounding this popularly used little phrase but what I can't deny is that when you look back at all of the messy and sometimes shockingly abrupt events in life, sometimes out of the blue something comes along that feels like it was 'meant to be' but the question remains meant to be by whom?
Post Script ~ the image shows all the tiny detail of the bird's wing imprint as it collided with the window this is another example of the wonder of photography and the ability to capture the miraculous!