Finding my Bliss

Friday, 26 September 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 8

Simply Hanging In ~
foxy bides her time
hanging in there on the rail
dreaming of Mr fox

A friend asked about self-care, how was I caring for myself?
The answer is simple, I look through the lens, 
I line up some lusciousness, I click and create a story,
I edit, and then sometimes I haiku my story  ~

five seven five!
I Haiku my Heart ~

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 7

The Robin & Coming Undone ~

Apparently one of the many emotional states one may go through in grieving is the feeling you are going Mad, this is a very frightening feeling that I identify with.  This may arise as being confused about your own beliefs, strong beliefs that may now start to melt in the light of your experience.  One of the hardest things about this whole episode is that I now have to look myself squarely in the eye and ask if all of my grandiose words about connection to the Divine still hold water!

There is much talk of 'authenticity' and now I find I'm asking myself questions about my core beliefs, what has now surfaced under extreme pressure? How do I truly feel about my connection to the Divine?  I must admit lately this yoking has seemed tenuous and there have been times when my own words have come unstuck and looked like they may have been dissolved down the universal plug-hole! 

The day a robin flew into the house window is an example of my conflicted feelings.  I heard the thud, I went outside to investigate but could not find the bird anywhere, thought it had flown off unscathed, only later on did I see it's limp little body lying on the ground, I became distraught when picking the poor thing up.  While clutching the soft little bundle and trying to find somewhere appropriate to lay him I started sobbing profusely and screamed a damnation at the source! I just let it all go!  

Of course the robin was a scapegoat for my love and the pent-up feelings I had for the abrupt and traumatic way his life ended!  How could I speak of my Divine connection anymore when I felt such a cruel cutting off from my life-long partner! Yet in the back of my mind whilst screaming and sobbing for the robin, My Love... a voice was whispering something I had read, that this loss of faith is also part of life's path, that it is okay to doubt! 

The jury is still not out, I find reconciliation with source, universe, whatever difficult,

but, the robin was so beautiful, as was my love

and, where do I turn to show gratitude for all of the awesomeness in my life?

Friday, 19 September 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 6

A Simple Message ~
draw anew each day
.intention to play softly
in the light of love

Over here in the UK a brand new series of Grand Designs is being aired on TV.  Last night I was immersed into a world of serenity when a new build featured an authentic Japanese room, created to transport the occupants back home.  The simple and minimal layout with soft traditional elements immediately conveyed peace.  It wasn't just the beautiful design features that impacted my senses but I felt such a longing to be in that space, environment, to experience a life for a time free of clutter both physical and mental. 

I have been trying to clear my love's garage and my home of anything that is not useful or necessary for I need to move away. I have been working non-stop to keep the place presentable so that when the time is right I will be ready to go, I'm waiting for a buyer.  I have a garden the size of a small park which needs lots of attention so I am wearing myself out both physically and mentally, it is more that one man or woman's work!  This TV programme reminded me to carve out for myself time, to make a sanctuary to readdress my energy levels.  I have not been to my yoga class since my love passed away or practiced at home.

Going through the grieving process does funny things to the mind! I suppose survival mode kicks in and you feel like you MUST carry on and get things done regardless.  To start with I think adrenaline was carrying me through the days, I kept telling myself " I can do this, I can handle it" but now I am waning and need to heed the warning signs, this programme did me a favour, reminding me to go softly on myself.

Sharing with other lovers of Japanese Simplicity at ~

Haiku my Heart
Recuerda mi Corazon

PS ~ a little something from my bliss list, a few words of wisdom and comfort ~

Traveller's Notes

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Grief Story on the Hoof ~ Entry 5

Abstract ~ Slipping Away

I just realized it is ten days since I posted,
I don't like this thought of life galloping away from me whilst feeling time-warped!
I was counting the days since my love passed, it came to a hundred and nineteen but seems
like only yesterday compared to the few score days he was ill, this felt like an eternity of suffering.

I have this photo of him taken not long before he passed,
you can see he is really sick but he has the most beautiful expression on his face.
I talk to it often and kiss it, or should I say 'I talk to him often' for I swear he is still breathing, I can feel him...

This is what scares me the most, the slipping away of him,
some days I try to visualize him, each of his body parts, they are clear,
right down to the little brown spot under his foot.
The hardest thing is remembering his voice, the tone, if only I had recorded it.
He would always sing first thing of a morning when his voice was more gravelly I do remember that...

I'm okay in the home we built together for it was always my ideas he made material, so when I see the stonework or the floor we laid together these are warm thoughts but it is different in the garage, his domain, everything is of him, nothing of me.

I am dismantling his domain now for I have to move soon, this is so hard I feel like I am dismantling him...