Finding my Bliss

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Continuum #3 ~ Wake-up Call


Sunday ~ I could hear the drum beats once again from over the field in my back garden.  I got the same nostalgic feel haunting me that I'd gotten previously.   This time more so with the passing of my love.  The passing of time shot through my consciousness like an arrow speeding in one fell swoop to it's target, all happening in one day, maybe it did!

Tuesday ~ They are packing away now, though I can occasionally hear the drums, and as usual I feel regret not having taken hold of those sticks in the circle, or the true spirit of Stainsby Festival come to that! Every year it seems like alternative nomads are transported to my village to play out a magical scene among our summer fields, they come to tempt me with some other kind of freedom, then before I can get my bearings as the wind blows through dandelion seed-heads it all drifts off away into the ether for one more orbit around the sun.

I'm still a babe on the grief path, totally inexperienced and untaught, though they do say there is no right or wrong way to grieve I'm painfully aware that I am largely ignorant of the whole dying process.  Our society shields us and has largely fed us fear stories about death and too many happy ever afters in our childhood, we push death as far away as possible instead of integrating the inevitable into our lives.

Death is very big, HUGE, the subject is difficult to deal with and truth be known it scares the hell out of me but the painful experience of my love's passing has beautiful parts too, ones I want to relate as part of my grief path story. I think my annual rendezvous with Stainsby reminds me of a forgotten time where people lived much closer to the earth, life and death.  Where drumming and story telling were part and parcel of this sacred life.  I always mean to get closer to that life, I think my love's death is a wake up call for me...

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Continuum #2 ~ Rising from the Depths




So now I'm further along the 'continuum' ~ sequence of elemental change, what next?

I have been taking my time along the grief path and in so doing have been wondering if there might be some advantage in relating my experience? Is this a possible worthwhile endeavor? Telling my story of grief as it unfolds for the mutual benefit of myself and others?  For writing has become an integral part of my creative life and I have realized it's importance particularly at this time as the days can seem long and without purpose, or at least not being able to share that purpose with 'my love' after his parting. I have been plunged into a new landscape of confusion, not knowing which direction to turn, this is new territory for me, I will be telling my story on the hoof!

I've been visiting a couple of support websites not having experienced this type of intense grief before in my life and yes support is what I need!  I have lots of care from family, friends and online friends but specialized support maybe is something worth investigating I thought, albeit with some skepticism! In the past I'd heard support groups can be places where lots of crying and bemoaning life's lot is common place and for me this would have the opposite effect of what I hope for, something positive to take forward.  I don't want to be leaving any site or support group feeling negative tones, leaving me in the same helpless position! However, I do appreciate that for some talking therapies/groups help release the burden of pent-up emotional grief.

So for me the criteria for my investigations would be how the session or reading left me, did it make me feel hopeful and up-lifted or take me back to the grief-laden feeling?   I'm not saying grief should be rushed as I know it takes time and according to the 'professionals' there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but as far as I am concerned life is a gift and, 'looking for that gift in the everyday' philosophy suits me, it's an imperative that I do not undermine this habit by overly dwelling on grief.  Having said that I know there will be grief triggers, I will have to find my way around these, this is the challenge and as with all challenges we face ~
'the warrior woman must rise'!

BTW I visited two support sites today, the latter made me laugh see why, it's not heavy honestly, will only take one click and not much reading, just visioning ~ LOL

Visit ~
 Heart~Held


Thursday, 10 July 2014

Continuum

A Continuum ~>
continual sequence of ~>
elemental change ~>


By far this is the most difficult post written by myself, ever.
I have not visited this place for sometime...
I have been 'lying low' as an old friend used to put it,
not low through depression or anything like that
but since my love passed away parts of my known world have passed too.
I have difficulty recognizing the landscape around me,
I'm lying low so that I can absorb some of the new terrain.
I am still quite dizzy, it's going to take some time...

Much of what I wrote about here in this space would involve a brief glimpse of 'my love' and our life together. I had thought of closing 'Finding my Bliss', for a pivotal part of everything this blog has stood for seemed on the surface of things to be missing! But as the days have come and gone I am beginning to look at things in a different light and although I am grieving for my love I find I am l feeling his presence, not in a spooky way you understand.  I have this wonderful photograph that was taken of him before he died in the hospice, I talk to it!  He has such a relaxed warm smiling expression on his face that makes me feel so very close to him and whenever I notice the slightest cloud of grief appear I reach for him and I am inspired, not to necessarily move on, but I feel his ever supporting spirit.

Today I should be cleaning house and so forth as it is up for sale, I can no longer afford to live here, but instead I got to reading some up-building posts, one in particular talked about life's moments as being one continuum.  This is how I have come to view what has happened, there have been elemental changes but life is still a 'continuum', I have not let 'my love' go as some would say, I am not clinging to him either or grasping at the past but he is still very much a part of me and the future!

What I have learned so far along this 'continuum', even more poignantly over these last few months, is that 'life is a gift'. I am now learning to look more intently for that gift in everyday... One of the treasured gifts that I put down for awhile after my love's death is the gift of seeing and turning that sight, view, moment into something beautiful, a memory aid. The image above is of something that was catching my eye in the sunshine sparkles of a glass bead bowl, I had to reach for my camera, I intuitively knew there was a gift waiting for me!  

Sure enough there it was the 'continuum' of life flowing,
symbolized like ocean tides and spirals, 
like a cup running over! 
Do you see it too?

Linking with Rebecca at

Haiku my Heart
Recuerda mi Corazon